January 19

Since I last wrote I have felt a lot of things. But currently I just feel content. So I will try to reflect with the emotion I felt during the past few days. Thursday was my mom's fiftieth birthday. She does not look 50 at all! She wanted to do something fun, something that wouldnt make her feel 50. So I wanted to maybe take her out or something. Well my mom has, what I would consider, a problem with alcohol. She drinks by herself and I can always tell when she has because I dont like the person my mom becomes when she's been drinking. She gets angry and says things that make her sound stupid and sometimes offends people. Well its embarassing to say the least. So you can imagine I was less than excited about taking her out, worrying she would take it too far and I also felt like I was contributing to a problem of hers by encouraging that she go out. Well I got home around 5, ready to go out to eat it it was obvious she had already been drinking. We were at Robins (the old Coan standby) and she was saying weird things, telling everyone not to guess her age...just being generally bizarre. well we ate and went home, and I was trying to contact other people to come out with us, which was difficult because it was like 30 below. well we got home and Ben was trying to take a family picture of us and my mom didnt like the pictures so she kept saying "you cant take good pictures, someone else take the pictures"...at first it was just a joke and he laughed but after awhile I could tell it upset him. here I am with Ben upset and trying not to freak out on my mom since it was her Bday. Long story short, we ended up going to the Grand Piano Bistro and she was moody and quiet, then loud and saying random things....It just was not a good experience for me. So I've been trying to figure out if I should say or do something and not really knowing what to say or do. Friday was good overall. Worked all day but made about $200 all day so that was good. Saturday I did nothing all day, went to work, got off early, then came back in to Maudes for drinks and food with Ben and Emily. Well it was fun at first, we were drinking and talking to people I work with and laughing....then we went to Cy's to meet Julie for her Bday, which was fun...until a shot of tequila....we then decided to leave. of course I then get spinny and go home, feeling kinda pukey slash about to pass out....which leaves Ben upset cause I was being cuddly and such before that and then I just pass out. The next morning I have to work at RWOG at ten, so I"m getting ready go out to my car to head to Des Moines, and I feel my stomach turn. Come back in, puke, then apologize to Ben for being a mess and drinking too much. Ugh. here I am writing about my mom and I do the same thing. Which leads me to think about proposing an agreement to my mom that we will both stop drinking. Or maybe put limits on it. I dont want to accuse her of something and then myself be hypocritical. Also, last night me and Ben watched LOST and I love it! probably my fav show of all time and it was fun to watch it with him. I wish I liked Grey's enough to feel sucked in, but I dont really. I dont know how he feels about LOST but it would be sweet if he liked it enough to watch all the seasons with me. Who knows. I am currently job hunting and feeling like its going to be a long road to a career.