January 26

Oh my! finally a day of rest and NO WORK! After working ALL day friday, 3:45-10 something Saturday and 10-4:30 Sunday at RWOG I am TIRED! But all those days were busy and therefore worth it money-wise. Also all the shifts were good, except for Saturday which was full of Dave accosting me for things that were not my fault. I was yelled at because he has bad handwriting and a "6" looked like a "5".....wasnt even a big deal. A table was sat for 5, and the hostess had to pull a chair over. W/E....hopefully my days are numbered at that place. Which brings me to my next point of applying for "real" jobs. Have applied for about 6 now, all in Des Moines. Me and Ben are coming to the realization that Des Moines is our next home, for about a year. There are no jobs anywhere but there is more of a chance that both of us could find a job in DSM rather than San Diego. This is sad, but w/e its just temporary. We both know that CA is where we want to be, so I'm confident we'll end up there. So I applied for a job at the Iowa Hospital Association that sounds fantastic and perfect for me! its a marketing/PR position that works with web and social media marketing. So like blogs, social networkign sites, stuff like that. And also involves teaching IHA employees and memebers how to utilize these. it says on the add that they are looking for a creative, curious person with a sense of humor who has a passion for emerging technology and media....that is ME! sigh, I want it so bad! Other than that I have just been applying at a wide variety of places. So hopefully something comes about. Today is my day OFF! and I'm so happy. Also I'm way excited for Jen/Stacey's Bday dinner tonight! all my RWOGers together, which is SURE to be a blast! other than that, probably goign to go to the gym, tannery and watch some LOST....sounds like a good day to me.
While I have been writing this I have been listening to "If You Seek Amy" by Britney, "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson, and "Bottle Pop" by PCD.
I really miss Kelly and Nicole, even though I've seen them both kinda recently, and also Janie

January 19

Since I last wrote I have felt a lot of things. But currently I just feel content. So I will try to reflect with the emotion I felt during the past few days. Thursday was my mom's fiftieth birthday. She does not look 50 at all! She wanted to do something fun, something that wouldnt make her feel 50. So I wanted to maybe take her out or something. Well my mom has, what I would consider, a problem with alcohol. She drinks by herself and I can always tell when she has because I dont like the person my mom becomes when she's been drinking. She gets angry and says things that make her sound stupid and sometimes offends people. Well its embarassing to say the least. So you can imagine I was less than excited about taking her out, worrying she would take it too far and I also felt like I was contributing to a problem of hers by encouraging that she go out. Well I got home around 5, ready to go out to eat it it was obvious she had already been drinking. We were at Robins (the old Coan standby) and she was saying weird things, telling everyone not to guess her age...just being generally bizarre. well we ate and went home, and I was trying to contact other people to come out with us, which was difficult because it was like 30 below. well we got home and Ben was trying to take a family picture of us and my mom didnt like the pictures so she kept saying "you cant take good pictures, someone else take the pictures"...at first it was just a joke and he laughed but after awhile I could tell it upset him. here I am with Ben upset and trying not to freak out on my mom since it was her Bday. Long story short, we ended up going to the Grand Piano Bistro and she was moody and quiet, then loud and saying random things....It just was not a good experience for me. So I've been trying to figure out if I should say or do something and not really knowing what to say or do. Friday was good overall. Worked all day but made about $200 all day so that was good. Saturday I did nothing all day, went to work, got off early, then came back in to Maudes for drinks and food with Ben and Emily. Well it was fun at first, we were drinking and talking to people I work with and laughing....then we went to Cy's to meet Julie for her Bday, which was fun...until a shot of tequila....we then decided to leave. of course I then get spinny and go home, feeling kinda pukey slash about to pass out....which leaves Ben upset cause I was being cuddly and such before that and then I just pass out. The next morning I have to work at RWOG at ten, so I"m getting ready go out to my car to head to Des Moines, and I feel my stomach turn. Come back in, puke, then apologize to Ben for being a mess and drinking too much. Ugh. here I am writing about my mom and I do the same thing. Which leads me to think about proposing an agreement to my mom that we will both stop drinking. Or maybe put limits on it. I dont want to accuse her of something and then myself be hypocritical. Also, last night me and Ben watched LOST and I love it! probably my fav show of all time and it was fun to watch it with him. I wish I liked Grey's enough to feel sucked in, but I dont really. I dont know how he feels about LOST but it would be sweet if he liked it enough to watch all the seasons with me. Who knows. I am currently job hunting and feeling like its going to be a long road to a career.

January 14

I'm not happy currently. I dont really know what the real, underlying cause of my unhappiness but I know what has triggered it in the past two days. Well I left work yesterday telling Ben all sorts of stories about work and figured we could get dinner or make it and then he told me he had already eaten. For some reason then I couldnt think of anything to eat and then by the time we got home nothing sounded good...and for some reason it bothered me that he didnt just text me and say 'hey I'm eating at Old Chicago, we can get you something to eat when you get off though', so then I wouldnt have gotten my hopes up for us to make dinner and I could have thought of what I wanted to eat. Then today I go to DSM and its all great and everything and then I'm coming back up and he says oh I"m going to the mall, I"ll see you tonight. SO I texted back saying I kinda wanted to talk to him before I went to work. In response I got a sad face. Ok, maybe its not a big deal that I couldnt talk to him before work, I would have called but my phone was about to die. So now I get off work and my boss offers to buy me dinner, but I text him to see if he's hungry cause I dont want to eat without him or leave him out if he had plans for us to eat. So he says he's starving and is willing to cook. So excitedly I go home. He's not there. Then I get a text saying he's leaving the mall. fifteen minutes later, no one. I text "where are you?"....no response. Ten minutes later he shows up with a friend. And I know this sounds stupid, and it sounds stupid to me as I'm typing it (which is why I blog so I can read my feelings and reflect)....But honestly I was expecting to come home and I could tell him about my day and the two of us would make dinner. Instead "I invited Emily to eat with us and we want to make enchiladas".....sigh. Just text me or call me if you already have plans, dont just tell me like its a side note. I'm being silly but I cant help it. Blah. I hate being upset and feeling stupid for it

January 12

I just read Joseph's new blog post about finding a place in San Diego and it makes me so excited! Right now there is a blizzard going on outside my window and I'm sitting here wishing I was somewhere warm. Though, in a bizzarre turn of events, I have decided to start applying for jobs in Des Moines. Really I dont know what I'm doing, but I'm tired of serving and even if I get a job for six months and then we move to CA, well at least I had a real job, and people quit all the time. So I want a real job, I want to make more money and I want to use my education. I will probably start applying for CA jobs in April/May. I really hope I find something, the commute will suck but currently I feel like a bum, so anything is better than this. Ben was ready for class so early today! and he's usually late for everything, like excessively. I was proud. And he's been exercising. Proud! 2009 is going to be a big important year I think. We'll both get jobs and learn to be on time and get fit! I'm so excited! Currently my fitness is going well. The scale at the gym says I weigh 142 which is more than I've ever weighed in my life. I have toned up and can tell an increase in strength which is good cause I was quite a weakling! I am enjoying this blogging thing, it helps me just stream out my thoughts, but the next step is making this blog more exciting. I want to add pictures and music and videos but I dont really know how. I'll have to play around or ask Ben I guess.

January 10

I feel relieved. I am relieved because I dont have to fix my car until spring, and the body shop actually reccomended waiting until spring. So I will just do a ghetto fix until then. On top of that, the quote from Schlarbaum was about $200 less than Toyota's. so that is HAPPY news! Saw the Unborn last night, even though I knew I shouldn't but the previews just looked so scary I thought this would be my new Saw! some movie that kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time and when I left the theater I'd still be scared. Not the case. After seeing the preview about 50 times, I had become numb to all the scary parts from the trailer, so they didnt phase me during the movie. The only feeling it did leave me with was uneasyness due to the weird demonic-ness, which I dont like. It was borderline Exorcist. Not good. As I'm typing this, I am listening to a clip of the new Kelly Clarkson song "My Life Would Suck Without You"....this is the new radio hit of the spring I promise! just the 35 seconds that I have is great! so catchy! Its the next "So What".....or "Since U Been Gone part 2".....get excited its a good one, I love Kelly Clarkson! So this whole week has been very slow at work which makes me feel lazy and hate my job even more. It makes me just ITCH for a real job. I'm so ready to be done serving. Now the conflict. Obviously the plan has been to wait for Ben to graduate, find out where his job will be and find one for myself wherever that may be, since his job would be less available.....and I could find something in PR most anywhere in CA. Well, he has applied for an internship in Ankeny and if he gets it and they like him, they like to hire their interns for full time positions. Which would be in Ankeny....or possibly in LA or Diego, but only if they have openings out there....So this leads to the thing thats been on my mind. Lets say they offer him a position, and its making good money, but they say he has to stay in Ankeny until they get a position open in California....On one hand it makes me happy and releived. No stress of moving, we could live in Des Moines for awhile, where we're comfortable. Get some experience then take on California when we have money and job experience. On the other hand its like....well then why didnt I just get a job in Des Moines this year? rather than wasting my time in a restaurant not using my degree, barely getting by?....its frustrating. I want to wait. I have been waiting. I'm willing to wait longer. But at what point is it like, who's job/career path is more important? I went to school too....I want to have a career too....if he gets a job and six months later they say "ok now you can move to CA"....well what do I do then if I have a job? leave?......So while I've ALWAYS wanted to live underneath the California sun......now that its becoming a reality, its proposing challenges and confusion that I'd rather not have. Plus I'm right smack in the middle of an Iowa winter and that affects my mood a lot. I hate winter, another reason to move. I hate it. Days like this I want to move so bad. But ask me again in May when I'm cruising around Des Moines in Tessa with the top open. Ask me how I feel about Des Moines, Iowa then and I'll tell you I love it. How I wish it was sunny and 75 and I had a real job and a fancy apartment and I could have equal parts Ben, friends, and family.
"You got a piece of me, and honestly...
My life, would suck, without you...."

January 7

My car is broken. Poor Tessa. The front bumper is cracked and hanging down and I have it tied to my licence place ghetto style....oh and my front grill and fog lights are in my trunk. Seriously, I did not hit anything, just all of a sudden its cracked and hanging. OMG. And Ben's car is not running, its in Mason City getting fixed and my car is going to take at least two days of being in the body shop, thats once they get the parts. So I currently have an $800+ bill staring me in the face and I'm thinking its just one thing after another this year! I am living on broke street. I need/want a 'real' job. I am tired of being poor, which I never have been ever in my life. BTW I discovered my car was broken on the way up to Mason City to Ben's cousin's funeral....so its been a special past few days. I did go to the gym today and worked out really hard so that makes me feel good. Still on my way to that 20lbs!

January 5

I just spent an entire day in Des Moines and feel very happy, for the most part. I spent the afternoon with Andrew and Kathryn and honestly if I told you what we did, it would sound boring but I had a blast. And then I went to Francies, a local bar/grill by my house, had a couple margaritas with work friends from Robins then went to our work meeting. Of course we talked about how it would just be a bitch-fest and we'd all get chewed out, but after that meeting I cannot tell you how much I want to just quit my job in Ames and go back to RWOG. UGH! I just want to help and make things better and show them how its done and be back with my friends and familairity! I was actually used as an example of how to do something right and its been so long since that was the case! In Ames all I get is lectures on how to push tables together and how to get the floor clean! Makes me want to start a small fire in the trash can of the bathroom and lock the door as I leave. LoL, that one is from Alice. But seriously, I miss Des Moines and thats the moral of this post. Ben is worth the move to Ames, I'm not contesting that. I am glad we live together and Ames is a decent little town. But I miss my city. I miss Janie, I miss Nicole, I miss Kelly, I miss my family and Kathryn and everything familiar. Sigh. Thats all I have to say

January 4 2009

I feel discouraged right now. I dont really know why. Well, I kind of do. I got a call from Maudes asking if I could work tomorrow. NO, I really DONT want to. It would ruin my entire day which I had planned on hangning out with people in Des Moines. Even if I dont work, I need to ask for Tuesday off to go the Ben's cousin's funeral....so now I feel weird saying I cant work, but oh by the way can I not come in on Tuesday. UGH. Its really not a big deal but I'm making it a big deal in my head. Also I feel lazy and gross cause I've worked all weekend and I feel gross and greasy and I havent been to they gym or tannery so thats contributing to myself feeling gross, and I dont feel like I have time to do both of them but I should. Here's hoping this feeling of discouragement passes.

January 2, 2009

I slept way longer than I intended to. The plan was to get up and go down to Des Moines and hang out with either Kelly or Andrew/Kathryn. I bummed around a bit and by the time I was ready to go, I decided to stay in Ames with Ben because he was feeling down. He's not the kind of person who would tell me to stay with him, but I knew I wouldnt want to be alone if I were him so I stayed. I little while later, he got a text from his mom saying that his cousin had died. I held him on the couch for awhile while he took it all in. I felt bad actually because while I was sitting there, first I prayed for Audrey, Ben, Ben's Aunt and Audrey's son Wade....but after that I started watching TV and a commercial came on for the Rock of Love reunion and I gasped.......well it probably seemed to him like I wasnt paying attention to him or that I was watching TV while he was feeling emotional.......but I really was focusing on him.....I just got distracted for a minute. But then he decided he needed to go up to Mason and I had to get to work so I got my things, said goodbye and headed down to Des Moines. When something serious happens or I am feeling a certain way, I have to reflect that in my music. I would normally have listened to something dancy or the Pussycat Dolls or somethign, but I kept my musical selection on the drive home very hopeful and low key. I listened to some Superchik and prayed for Ben's family again. By the time I got home, I didnt have much time before I had to get ready for work. So I got ready and headed to RWOG. Let me just say that I cannot quite explain why I am so connected to that place. But I am, and I cant help it. Being there on a Friday night just feels right. The customers I have waited on for the past 6 years, my fellow servers and kitchen staff. I felt SOOOO welcomed and the greeting after greeting of "I missed you! glad you're here, where have you been".........it makes me feel good. And on top of that I found out that Sunday I will be training someone again just made my night! Robin came up to me and said that the past few people just havent been getting it so she wanted me to train the next person........sigh.......I miss feeling important! So I'm happy that even after being away for the past four months I can still come back. honestly I go back half for extra money, half for the people. I also found out Stacey and Jen N are having a co-bday dinner/party/gathering and I am so excited! Monday the 26th I think? anyways I'll be there! So when all was said and done with the night, I got to see my friends, old customers, feel good/important, and make $120........good night. Now I am home, wishing Ben was here.......I dont really wish I was up there, cause I would feel awkward, but I want him to be with his family......but I want to comfort him at the same time.......but cant do that. I'm really not looking forward to driving up to Ames tomorrow and workign at Maudes....yuck. Hopefully I'll get off early!, but probably not. Sigh. I do need to go to the gym tomorrow though, keep on working towards that 20lbs! As I lay down to sleep tonight I am singing "Breathe" by Superchik.........its sung in an eery/sweet harmony.....over and over "so keep breathing.........go on breathe in.......keep on breathing...........just breathe"

The first day of the New Year

So this is the first day of 2009 and it promises to be quite the year for me. If 2008 was the introduction to the next chapter in my life, 2009 will be the first page. I began this first day by gettting ready to go into Maudes to 'undecorate', meaning take all the Christmas stuff around the restaurant down. By the way I only left the restaurant about ten hours previous so I was less than enthused to be returning. Though New Years eve night ended up being worth the tie and being away from the fun, I made $265 so that was happy. So I went to the 'undecorating' and was happy to see some people so we chatted. Decorating went fast and then we did a white elephant gift exchange. I ended up with "The Family Stone" DVD and some ginerbread bath soap and lotion, less than great. I mostly just hung out with Haley and Sarah. Haley is becoming my favorite person to work with. We can talk about work, or things outside work, and she never annoys me or upsets me and I think she's just a genuinely nice person. When I got home from decorating I was happy to see Ben had taken down all the Christmas decorations around our room and was almost ready to head to Des Moines which made me happy. We decided to spend the day there to do some laundry at my parents house since our washer is broken and just do whatever with my family. We got there and my grandma was there too. I love my grandma so much, but I feel guilty that I dont keep in good contact with her, and she always gives me a hard time for it. Another thing is that I know she does not approve of my 'lifestyle' as some call it. Though she was outwardly kind and welcoming to Ben tonight so that made me feel good. My grandma is one of the most selfless and generous and caring people I have ever known. Somehow by her not approving of something about me, makes me feel odd......like who wants to dissapoint their grandma? so I'm still working that one out. after dinner was a game of Uno Attack with Ben, my mom, brothers and Kathryn which was fun. I always have fun with my brothers and mom and kathryn or any combination of them and I think Ben geniunely does too which makes me feel good. I'm now ending my day with reflection of the day, and thoughts of tomorrow. I am glad that I got to spend the day with family and Ben in DSM and I am SO excited to work in Des Moines tomorrow night. I had the whole day off from Maudes so I picked up a shift at RWOG. I miss them so much and honestly it helps my ego and self-esteem to be in a familiar environment where I feel needed, important, and that I am looked to for help. It should be a good time and hopefully I can make some money. My current music for the day....and probably will be tomorrow is a new song from the Pussycat Dolls. Its the theme song to the new MTV show "the City". The song is called "on top of the world' and it talks about taking on a new city and making it your new home basicly.....it makes me think of moving to California and makes me excited!