As I write today....

I'm going to include a picture of myself while I write so it feels more personal....or at least it does to me.

Monday March 9th. Life, currently

It has been a long time since I last wrote in here and a LOT has happened, so much that I just havent felt like writing about it, but now I think I need to cause there is so much that I need to decide on and so much to deal with right now its making me slightly crazy. I'm going to create some headings/categories for myself so I can keep things organized and make sure I cover everything. In order will be: Job hunting, Roomates, Moving, Maudes vs. RWOG, Me and Ben, Things to look forward to.

Job Hunting:
As of today I have been seriously looking for jobs for about two months. I have applied everywhere from Wells Fargo and Nationwide to the Embassy Suites hotel to the city of Ankeny. Most of them have some marketing/PR aspect to them, but lately I have been looking for almost anything that will pay me at least 30K and give me benefits and ideally work a typical 8-5. Doesnt sound too difficult does it? well I'm starting to feel really unqualified and discouraged. Ugh. and I even include cover letters and write each one unique to the job I'm applying for and I call people back. I cant tell you how many people have voicemails from me asking about jobs. When I write it out it makes me sound kinda pathetic. I'm really done with serving food as my primary source of income. It was great while it lasted but its not cutting it anymore. Currently I am pursuing an administrative marketing postition with the city of Ankeny. Its normal hours, benefits and pays 32-37K, and waiting for a response from American Equity doing insurance stuff, which is less than ideal but my friend Olga does it and she loves it. I even applied to be a store manager of American Eagle! and according to the job description I'm not even qualified to do that! Its frustrating when eveyone wants like 5 years of experience, but no one will let you start to get that experience....I feel like if I take just any job, and its not in marketing or PR, I"m just wasting time and my degree. Cause I neeeeeeed to get experience in that field so I can do what I want. When I move to Diego or wherever I can be the director of Marketing for the San Diego zoo! or be a famous publicist in Hollywood. Sigh. I"m a long ways from either of those right now.

Roomates: Ok so I'm going to shorten this becuase this could go on for pages. I live with Ben, his best friend and my mutual friend Mitch, his sister Kelly and all of our mutual friend Curtis. Last fall we all were having difficulties because me and Ben were seen as using too much utilities. We fought about it, and ultimately changed our ways. I really make a conscious effort to shorten my showers, turn off lights and do much less laundry than I used to and everything was fine. We arent the best of friends, but we live together fine. Then about two weeks ago me and Ben get a knock on the door. It is a maintenance man and he asks if Ben and Chris are home. We say that is us and he asks us to step outside. Wondering what is going on, we go out in the hallyway. The man informs us that a maintenance request was filled by "your roomates, asking for a bathroom lock to be changed because we have been disrespecting their property" We both look confused and say that we have not disrespected anyones property. He then asks if me and Ben host lots of parties and people puke in Kelly's bathroom. We say that we have had ONE party that was hosted by all five roomates and that someone did get sick in the bathroom but it was in the toilet and by no means made a mess or caused damage. The man then accused us of lying and asking about the party we were hosting that upcoming weekend. We said we were not hosting a party, that some people from Ben's fraternity were staying the night because they were from another chapter out of state and the formal was the next day. There would be no party or drinking and the roomates knew about the people. The man then said some other things and said that we basicly needed to be respectful of our roomates or there would be reprocussions. We were FURIOUS. Well I was. I was about to call Alice and have her "slap the bitch across her face" as she has suggested with Kelly in the past when I have told her stories. We texted Kelly and said we needed to talk to her when she could. She responded "I dont have time to fuck around what do you want", then Ben texted her what was going on and she said "yeah, I told maintenance that my bathroom has taken the brunt of your friends twice before, they were not happy". This was a friday and I had to work that night, I could not think about anything else except for how mad I was, I went in to work and they had an extra person on....so I volunteered to go home. I went to the gym and worked out to try to blow off some steam. What kind of person goes to maintenance behind your back without talking to you first and says we disrespect their property. PLUS, Kelly Courtney was the one who puked in Kelly Meier's bathroom and Ben was there with her and said she puked only in the toilet and Kelly herself said she didnt make a mess. Kelly Meier claims she puked in the sink on the counter and the floor and she spent ALLLL night cleaning it up and babysitting Kelly Courtney even though she had a final the next day. LIAR! Sorry, but I believe my best friend a million times before I believe you. And Ben even said she didnt make a mess.....and I'm pretty sure if you realy did babysit Kelly Courtney, you would have mentioned that she wasnt wearing pants! Fast forward and me and Ben decided to retaliate after talking to many outsiders. We turned them in for smoking on the porch which is a violation of our lease and for the burnt spot on the porch from their melted ash tray/cup. Since this, Kelly and Ben have talked and we are trying to find some civil way of getting along for the next two months and hopefully collaborating on finding sub leasers. Moral of the story, I will never live with roomates again. I come home to stress and tension all the time and thats just not right. I cant wait to get out of here.

Moving:
Currently me and Ben are looking for our first place together just us two. We are looking in Des Moines because California just doesnt seem possible right now. But we're fine with that at this point. We have looked at Ingersoll square, West Glen, Mansions and Jordan Creek, the Fountains, and Turtle Creek. So far we loooove Turtle Creek. it has a nice pool and fitness center, raquetball courts and its within walking distance (kind of) of West Glen and minutes from Jordan Creek and the interstate. the room is a one bedroom with a den. Everything about the place is nice...the only thing is that they have a 15 pound limit on dogs, which that lady said is not a firm rule, just needs to be a little dog. Which is kind of constraining but we could make it work. Only thing is to get this room, and $90 off per month, we would have to move April 1st. YIKES! While I'm ready to get out of here, we still have our lease through July and Ben is still in school. We really like the place and dont want to wait until July when there are no more rooms, but dont really have the means to move right now. What to do???? we're looking at some townhomes too, but they are a bit too expensive. Its coming down to the wire and we need to make a decision. Stresssssssss

Maudes vs. RWOG
Ok so I have been working here in Ames as a server at Aunt Maudes since August. Its a small local owned place that is rather pricey. I make pretty good money there and love my co-workers, but most of the time cannot stand the management and many of the policies of the restaurant. On top of that, I greatly miss RWOG. I pretty much got the pick of things there. Worked whenever I wanted, got the best sections, knew everyone, had customers ask for me and just generally felt important and loved being at work. Problem is, I make more money at Maudes. Sometimes its the same, but more often than not, I make more. At a tight financial time like this, I need whateve money I can get, but I really have grown to dislike my job more and more and never want to be there. It seems like people have changed and many people are always sour and so serious and squabbling and managment has become more rediculous. Saturday, my boss/ owner of Maudes Pat came was talking to me like I was mentally retarded and after I left for the night walked out the door behind me and yelled "hey who did your checkout!" long story short he just yelled at me for NO reason. Then I go to RWOG on Sunday, which I have been working there on Sundays since November for extra money and just cause I miss it and Aunt Maudes is closed on Sundays anyway. So I go in on Sunday and everyone is nice and the day goes well and I make good money and I'm thinking "why am I working at Maudes when I hate it every day?" then I hear that Robin is planning on firing 4 people and looking for new ones....is this a sign? should I go back to RWOG until I find a real job? I was planning on working a few nights there once we move back to Des Moines anyway. Ugh I cant decide. Money vs. Happiness plus I would miss people at Maudes. Cassie, Julie, Jill, Jericho, Jeff, Steve, Sarah, Haley (who I guess I never see anymore anyway)....but still. Stressssss

Me and Ben:
All this has led to stress between us. Not major. We dont 'fight', but I get snappy and he gets silent and wont talk about whats wrong....and he's become worse at communication, not telling me when he has things to do which interrupt what I had planned on being time for us to spend then I get upset. Or I get jealous when he spends so much time with Emily which is silly. Or he just stares blankly and wont talk and I have to ask him a hundred times whats wrong until he finally says "i'm just stressed about jobs and finding a place to live and school" its like "JUST TALK TO ME! if you cant talk to ME who can you talk to? we're supposed to know what is goign on with each other and help each other. Ultimately things are fine though. Really he is my main source of happiness and we can just lay on our bed together and I forget about everything else. Or we can watch and laugh at our fish or watch and gasp at Lost and everything is fine. I love him.

Things to look forward to:
I'll wrap this up with some positive things. April 3rd me and Ben are going to see Britney Spears and the Pussycat Dolls on the Circus tour which is going to be AMAZING! I've watched videos online of it and its looks sooooo good! People are saying "oh she lip sychs the whole time" well who goes to see Britney for her singing ability???? NO ONE. Its a show, just enjoy it. I think we'll spend the day in Minneapolis at the Mall then meet up with Casey Berndt (who I miss so much) and head to our fav trendy dinner spot in the Cities, Chino Latino. Then after dinner head to the Target Center for the CIRCUS! so excited. THEN, on June 12-14, Me, Ben, Andrew and Kathryn are going to Cedar Point! Ben has never been and the rest of us havent been forever! It will be like a reunion slash last little trip before andrew goes up to ISU and Kathryn joins the Guard. Its goign to be a blast! THEN on July 6th, Me, Ben, andrew, kathryn and Kelly Courtney are going to see No Doubt and Paramore in Kansas City. I LOVE GWEN and Cannoooooot wait for this concert!

apartment pictures.

These are all pictures of West Glen

February 19 (thoughts)

So a couple weeks ago I had about three dreams with Chris King in them. Nothing weird, and honestly I dont even remember what they were all about. Actually one of them we went to Cedar Point. but nonetheless I havent talked to him in several months, havent heard about him, thought about him, dreamt about him. So one day last week me and Ben are at WalMart and I get a text from him. It says, sorry to bother you, but do you still have my calculator? odd. Well I think I still do have his calculator that I borrowed more than a year ago. I actually have looked for it and cannot find it. But I think I still have it. I responded and told him I would look for it. So I thought I had found it so I texted him back telling him I found it and I would bring it to him or he could stop by my apartment to pick it up. After a few texts back and forth, including him seeing Ben at the bar and asking why I wasnt out with him, he asks if I want to go get coffee sometime and I could just give him the calculator then. Now, I tell Ben about the calculator thing and the texts and the coffee offer. Ben immediately tells me I will not go get coffee with him, which is understandable. The weird thing is, I kinda want to go. NOT because of romantic feelings, or even feelings of friendship, but just because I DONT like having enemies or even feeling like I have enemies. I know I am constantly criticized for wanting everyone to like me and whatever, but really I do. It sometimes bugs me that I cant like say hi or talk to him and its just this unnecessary weirdness. Also, if I could talk to Chris like a normal person, it just proves that we have both moved on. Also, I kind of want Ben to be slightly jealous but still let me go, because that means he trusts me, and many times I dont feel like he TRUELY trusts me. But then I think what if Chris starts acting weird, asking me questions about me and Ben, reflecting back on old times or just generally trying to guilt me like he sometimes did. I dont think it would bother me and honestly I would just leave, but still. I have been thinking about this and wonder if I'm in the wrong line of thinking here. maybe I'm stupid for even thinking of going. If I dont find his calculator, there is really much less reason to go....but if I do, how do I get it back to him without any interaction....and awkwardness.

Next thought process deals with Nicole and Ben and me in the middle. Nicole is moving into an apartment and finally getting out on her own and I'm so excited for her! a little over a month ago we had lunch and she told me she was having people over to show off her new place and hang out and just catch up. Well I was very excited about this and told her any day she wanted, I would be there. I bought her a card and had planned on taking her on a trip to Target to pick out a few things for her apartment as a late Bday/housewarming gift. Well I told Ben about it and all was fine. He did ask if he was invited, to which I responded that I wasnt sure. So then the official invitation comes in the mail and the date is February 28th. I write it on our calendar to remind me. We have different colored markers and I didnt realize it but I had written it in pink, which has been designated as things that apply to both me and Ben. Seeing this, he thought that maybe he had been invited to Nicole's party, and I said that the invite didnt say, and it was just adressed to me. He looked very sad and it made me sad as well. It frustrates him that my close friends wont even aknowlege his exhistence. So then he tells me that his fraternity's formal is that night also, and if I'm going to be in Des Moines with Nicole, he will just have one of our friends Jenn or Emily be his date. Frustrated, I ask him why he didnt tell me about this formal sooner?, he says he forgot about it, and that it was on Gmail calendar, which I dont use, and he thought he would just miss it if he had been invited to Nicole's. This has been the subject of much frustration and sadness for the past few weeks...and last night when I got a text from Nicole, he said "I dont even want to hear that name right now"....What do I do? I have been thinking that maybe I should tell Nicole I will come down Saturday afternoon and take her to lunch, Target, and then see her apt. but I have to leave after that. And that way I could somewhat accomplish both. But inside I am still frustrated with Ben. Why why why would you not tell me about your formal sooner? Nicole said we could do the gathering on Friday or Saturday whichever and I said Saturday. If Ben had just told me about the formal, I could have told Nicole Friday, and then gone to the formal on Saturday. SIGH.....Either way someone will be dissapointed. Obviously I want to make Ben happy first, but I feel like my efforts to keep other friendships going never work out like I want. I hate that Ben things that some of my friends are 'haters' as he calls them. I dont want him to dislike them.....I dont expect you to ACCEPT me and Ben but please just tollerate us. If you want to lose me as a friend then thats fine but I cant balance things the way I have for much longer.

February 19 (apartments/fish tank)

Last Friday me and Ben spent a day in Des Moines. The point of the journey was to look at a couple apartments, but also to just do some shopping and have a day to ourselves since I would be working on Valentines Day. We first went to look at West Glen aparments. We really like that they are close to many things. Walking distance from Target and some decent bars/restaurants. They are also just off the interstate so travel to/from jobs would be convenient. So we had high hopes for them. We met a woman named Wendy who was going to give us the tour. Wendy's hair was teased within an inch of its life and was hyped up on something. She introduces us to the fob, which is a little keycard that you need for EVERYTHING....right here I got a bad feeling. I need this little plastic thing to use the elevator, to open doors, to use the garage, everything. So that means friends come over, they cant just come up, I have to use my little card to let them in, same with pizza or anything. well...minor setback. We go to the apartment. Its a two-level, one bedroom, which I like. The kitchen isnt the biggest, nor is there really any space for much furniture (couch/table and its probably going to be full) there is also a space cut out of the wall for a TV. but its so small that nothing above 32 inch will fit. So thats a bust. We go upstairs though and I LOVE the bedroom. It has a huge closet and bathroom and they are very nice. So after the tour we're asking Wendy some questions. We can have dogs up to 30lbs.....well what if our dog gets bigger than that? I really really want a dog so any place that wont let me have one is not good. Also, no aquariums....well I just invested all this money in our aquarium and then I couldnt have it there? We then asked her about any fitness center, because I'm used to a free gym up here and want to continue that. Well she says Aspen is right downstairs, and while it would be a 'conflict of interest' for her to offer discounts to Aspen....she 'has heard if you mention you live at West Glen they take VERY good care of you'...whatever that means. We left West Glen feeling a bit dissapointed....oh and the rent was going to be $1200/mo. so thats kinda steep. We got lunch at Los Cabos then headed to Ingersoll Square. These are located on Ingersoll and MLK and are very new. We walk in and the look of the place is VERY modern, which is OK with me but Ben doesnt like. Everything is concrete and metal and very bold colors. So we meet our next tour guide and she is much more toned down from Wendy....I dont even remember her name....Jessica maybe? anyway she shows us the first style of one bedroom and I HATE it. the bedroom is right inside the front door and there is a sliding door going to it. it looks like a giant warehouse. Then we go to the second model, much better! all the floors are polished concrete, which I dont know how I feel about, and Ben doesnt like. the kitchen is awesome. Everything is from IKEA, which is good and bad. Sometimes IKEA stuff is kinda cheap, and their wardrobe's dont have much room. and we dont get a closet in the bedroom. The other thing is one side of the building faces downtown, so pretty view. The other sides....not so pretty view, and the windows are big which is also good, but bad too. So then we go tour of the rest of the place. Only one key for the front door which locks at ten, nice. We tour the fitness room, which is small but sufficient. The fitness room is connected to the club room. Which is this sweet room with a bunch of tables and couches and TV's and a kitchen that anyone can use. Also anyone can use the clubroom for parties, 'family gatherings' and whatever else, nice! the clubroom has a door to the pool deck, yes there is a pool and hot tub! we walk outside and our guide goes "oh! what is that?" and we look down to see a giant black bird head! not the whole body just a decapitated head! sadly our camera battery died before we could get a picture! the guide kept going "oh I'm so embarassed!" and kicked it off the pool deck. I couldn't stop laughing. So the pool/hot tub are nice. Also Ingersoll is a bit cheaper than West Glen, all pets are welcome. Bad things are the location and concrete floors. We then went back to my parents house and made a list of the positives and negatives for both places, so we could compare them and also to get a better idea of what we're looking for in future apartment tours.

As mentioned above, we recently got an aquarium which I have wanted my whole life! it is 35 gallons and a tall hexagon shape. We are just learning all this stuff and realizing you need so much stuff! and they are expensive! but currently we have 3 guppies. A blue one named Moon, a bright yellow one named Star, and a dark orange one named Sun. We love our fish and they have been alive for over 12 hours now and survived one feeding! I'm so freaking excited (surprise sue voice.....SNL skit)!

February 3

Kind of a lot has happened since I last posted. Lots of new direction in my thoughts about next year. So the short version is this. After the Career Fair, Ben and myself were left feeling a little dissapointed. No companies were hiring, none in Des Moines, and none that have locations in San Diego. BUT, then Ben found out the Navy was doing a lot of hiring! no enlisting, just civilian jobs. And we all know where the Navy does a lot of its business....San Diego! Ben put in his application and filled out this questionaire that asks you where you would like to be located (there were a few options, D.C. which I would NEVER live, Chicago and San Diego) well Ben put San Diego. The Navy job starts at 40 grand and after three years you make like 80. which is good! So as far as the move to CA goes....this is our last hope. With the economy like it is, if he doesnt get the Navy job, we are setting our sights on Des Moines (just temporary). Plus, Des Moines isnt that bad. I really like Des Moines actually....and maybe we're supposed to live in DSM. Get a bit of a start....not have to be broke....and then move out when we're ready! I'm not really dissapointed by this, actually in a weird sort of way I'm relieved. Going out into the real world is scary enough, but moving so far away is scary too. I think taking one step at a time is a good idea....and we're still young, we will get to CA soon! and if the Navy job works out then sweet! we can live in San Diego and be able to support ourselves then I'm ok with it. So if DSM is the plan we have a location that we are looking at, and actually are going to tour an appartment next friday. West Glen is kind of a new little area by Jordan Creek and we really liked the apartments from what we saw online. Also its really close to a lot of things. We could walk to Target, its right by the interstate for commuting and its new, trendy and classy! Hopefully we can get moved somewhere in June, either to Diego or DSM. in the mean time, I am still looking for jobs every other day. I've applied for a total of 7 jobs in the last few weeks, which I think is pretty good. I've applied for every job that looks even remotely interesting. Hoping hoping hoping to find somethign soon! Also we are going to get an aquarium! which is something I've always wanted! its 30 gallons which is pretty big and it comes with a stand and light and filter and all that for $50! so excited! and as SOOOOON as we figure out where we'll end up, its time to shop for a puppy!!!!! I just want to fast forward through this next four months....ugh. so much uncertainty with so much excitment at the end. One thing that I am very excited for in the next few months is the Britney Spears/Pussycat Dolls concert and seeing Casey! that will be SO fun...its not till April 3rd but I'm really lookign forward to it. Its sunny today, which makes me happy and feel energetic. Me and Ben are doing very well and getting along perfectly and working on getting caught up on LOST which I LOVE. Things are good and they'll only get better.
Right now I'm listening to a song by Faith Hill called Sunshine and Summertime. Its one of my favorite summer songs and when the sun is out I crank it and think of pool parties and blue skies. I love the sun. When it sets, it makes me want to follow it....out west....

January 26

Oh my! finally a day of rest and NO WORK! After working ALL day friday, 3:45-10 something Saturday and 10-4:30 Sunday at RWOG I am TIRED! But all those days were busy and therefore worth it money-wise. Also all the shifts were good, except for Saturday which was full of Dave accosting me for things that were not my fault. I was yelled at because he has bad handwriting and a "6" looked like a "5".....wasnt even a big deal. A table was sat for 5, and the hostess had to pull a chair over. W/E....hopefully my days are numbered at that place. Which brings me to my next point of applying for "real" jobs. Have applied for about 6 now, all in Des Moines. Me and Ben are coming to the realization that Des Moines is our next home, for about a year. There are no jobs anywhere but there is more of a chance that both of us could find a job in DSM rather than San Diego. This is sad, but w/e its just temporary. We both know that CA is where we want to be, so I'm confident we'll end up there. So I applied for a job at the Iowa Hospital Association that sounds fantastic and perfect for me! its a marketing/PR position that works with web and social media marketing. So like blogs, social networkign sites, stuff like that. And also involves teaching IHA employees and memebers how to utilize these. it says on the add that they are looking for a creative, curious person with a sense of humor who has a passion for emerging technology and media....that is ME! sigh, I want it so bad! Other than that I have just been applying at a wide variety of places. So hopefully something comes about. Today is my day OFF! and I'm so happy. Also I'm way excited for Jen/Stacey's Bday dinner tonight! all my RWOGers together, which is SURE to be a blast! other than that, probably goign to go to the gym, tannery and watch some LOST....sounds like a good day to me.
While I have been writing this I have been listening to "If You Seek Amy" by Britney, "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson, and "Bottle Pop" by PCD.
I really miss Kelly and Nicole, even though I've seen them both kinda recently, and also Janie

January 19

Since I last wrote I have felt a lot of things. But currently I just feel content. So I will try to reflect with the emotion I felt during the past few days. Thursday was my mom's fiftieth birthday. She does not look 50 at all! She wanted to do something fun, something that wouldnt make her feel 50. So I wanted to maybe take her out or something. Well my mom has, what I would consider, a problem with alcohol. She drinks by herself and I can always tell when she has because I dont like the person my mom becomes when she's been drinking. She gets angry and says things that make her sound stupid and sometimes offends people. Well its embarassing to say the least. So you can imagine I was less than excited about taking her out, worrying she would take it too far and I also felt like I was contributing to a problem of hers by encouraging that she go out. Well I got home around 5, ready to go out to eat it it was obvious she had already been drinking. We were at Robins (the old Coan standby) and she was saying weird things, telling everyone not to guess her age...just being generally bizarre. well we ate and went home, and I was trying to contact other people to come out with us, which was difficult because it was like 30 below. well we got home and Ben was trying to take a family picture of us and my mom didnt like the pictures so she kept saying "you cant take good pictures, someone else take the pictures"...at first it was just a joke and he laughed but after awhile I could tell it upset him. here I am with Ben upset and trying not to freak out on my mom since it was her Bday. Long story short, we ended up going to the Grand Piano Bistro and she was moody and quiet, then loud and saying random things....It just was not a good experience for me. So I've been trying to figure out if I should say or do something and not really knowing what to say or do. Friday was good overall. Worked all day but made about $200 all day so that was good. Saturday I did nothing all day, went to work, got off early, then came back in to Maudes for drinks and food with Ben and Emily. Well it was fun at first, we were drinking and talking to people I work with and laughing....then we went to Cy's to meet Julie for her Bday, which was fun...until a shot of tequila....we then decided to leave. of course I then get spinny and go home, feeling kinda pukey slash about to pass out....which leaves Ben upset cause I was being cuddly and such before that and then I just pass out. The next morning I have to work at RWOG at ten, so I"m getting ready go out to my car to head to Des Moines, and I feel my stomach turn. Come back in, puke, then apologize to Ben for being a mess and drinking too much. Ugh. here I am writing about my mom and I do the same thing. Which leads me to think about proposing an agreement to my mom that we will both stop drinking. Or maybe put limits on it. I dont want to accuse her of something and then myself be hypocritical. Also, last night me and Ben watched LOST and I love it! probably my fav show of all time and it was fun to watch it with him. I wish I liked Grey's enough to feel sucked in, but I dont really. I dont know how he feels about LOST but it would be sweet if he liked it enough to watch all the seasons with me. Who knows. I am currently job hunting and feeling like its going to be a long road to a career.

January 14

I'm not happy currently. I dont really know what the real, underlying cause of my unhappiness but I know what has triggered it in the past two days. Well I left work yesterday telling Ben all sorts of stories about work and figured we could get dinner or make it and then he told me he had already eaten. For some reason then I couldnt think of anything to eat and then by the time we got home nothing sounded good...and for some reason it bothered me that he didnt just text me and say 'hey I'm eating at Old Chicago, we can get you something to eat when you get off though', so then I wouldnt have gotten my hopes up for us to make dinner and I could have thought of what I wanted to eat. Then today I go to DSM and its all great and everything and then I'm coming back up and he says oh I"m going to the mall, I"ll see you tonight. SO I texted back saying I kinda wanted to talk to him before I went to work. In response I got a sad face. Ok, maybe its not a big deal that I couldnt talk to him before work, I would have called but my phone was about to die. So now I get off work and my boss offers to buy me dinner, but I text him to see if he's hungry cause I dont want to eat without him or leave him out if he had plans for us to eat. So he says he's starving and is willing to cook. So excitedly I go home. He's not there. Then I get a text saying he's leaving the mall. fifteen minutes later, no one. I text "where are you?"....no response. Ten minutes later he shows up with a friend. And I know this sounds stupid, and it sounds stupid to me as I'm typing it (which is why I blog so I can read my feelings and reflect)....But honestly I was expecting to come home and I could tell him about my day and the two of us would make dinner. Instead "I invited Emily to eat with us and we want to make enchiladas".....sigh. Just text me or call me if you already have plans, dont just tell me like its a side note. I'm being silly but I cant help it. Blah. I hate being upset and feeling stupid for it

January 12

I just read Joseph's new blog post about finding a place in San Diego and it makes me so excited! Right now there is a blizzard going on outside my window and I'm sitting here wishing I was somewhere warm. Though, in a bizzarre turn of events, I have decided to start applying for jobs in Des Moines. Really I dont know what I'm doing, but I'm tired of serving and even if I get a job for six months and then we move to CA, well at least I had a real job, and people quit all the time. So I want a real job, I want to make more money and I want to use my education. I will probably start applying for CA jobs in April/May. I really hope I find something, the commute will suck but currently I feel like a bum, so anything is better than this. Ben was ready for class so early today! and he's usually late for everything, like excessively. I was proud. And he's been exercising. Proud! 2009 is going to be a big important year I think. We'll both get jobs and learn to be on time and get fit! I'm so excited! Currently my fitness is going well. The scale at the gym says I weigh 142 which is more than I've ever weighed in my life. I have toned up and can tell an increase in strength which is good cause I was quite a weakling! I am enjoying this blogging thing, it helps me just stream out my thoughts, but the next step is making this blog more exciting. I want to add pictures and music and videos but I dont really know how. I'll have to play around or ask Ben I guess.

January 10

I feel relieved. I am relieved because I dont have to fix my car until spring, and the body shop actually reccomended waiting until spring. So I will just do a ghetto fix until then. On top of that, the quote from Schlarbaum was about $200 less than Toyota's. so that is HAPPY news! Saw the Unborn last night, even though I knew I shouldn't but the previews just looked so scary I thought this would be my new Saw! some movie that kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time and when I left the theater I'd still be scared. Not the case. After seeing the preview about 50 times, I had become numb to all the scary parts from the trailer, so they didnt phase me during the movie. The only feeling it did leave me with was uneasyness due to the weird demonic-ness, which I dont like. It was borderline Exorcist. Not good. As I'm typing this, I am listening to a clip of the new Kelly Clarkson song "My Life Would Suck Without You"....this is the new radio hit of the spring I promise! just the 35 seconds that I have is great! so catchy! Its the next "So What".....or "Since U Been Gone part 2".....get excited its a good one, I love Kelly Clarkson! So this whole week has been very slow at work which makes me feel lazy and hate my job even more. It makes me just ITCH for a real job. I'm so ready to be done serving. Now the conflict. Obviously the plan has been to wait for Ben to graduate, find out where his job will be and find one for myself wherever that may be, since his job would be less available.....and I could find something in PR most anywhere in CA. Well, he has applied for an internship in Ankeny and if he gets it and they like him, they like to hire their interns for full time positions. Which would be in Ankeny....or possibly in LA or Diego, but only if they have openings out there....So this leads to the thing thats been on my mind. Lets say they offer him a position, and its making good money, but they say he has to stay in Ankeny until they get a position open in California....On one hand it makes me happy and releived. No stress of moving, we could live in Des Moines for awhile, where we're comfortable. Get some experience then take on California when we have money and job experience. On the other hand its like....well then why didnt I just get a job in Des Moines this year? rather than wasting my time in a restaurant not using my degree, barely getting by?....its frustrating. I want to wait. I have been waiting. I'm willing to wait longer. But at what point is it like, who's job/career path is more important? I went to school too....I want to have a career too....if he gets a job and six months later they say "ok now you can move to CA"....well what do I do then if I have a job? leave?......So while I've ALWAYS wanted to live underneath the California sun......now that its becoming a reality, its proposing challenges and confusion that I'd rather not have. Plus I'm right smack in the middle of an Iowa winter and that affects my mood a lot. I hate winter, another reason to move. I hate it. Days like this I want to move so bad. But ask me again in May when I'm cruising around Des Moines in Tessa with the top open. Ask me how I feel about Des Moines, Iowa then and I'll tell you I love it. How I wish it was sunny and 75 and I had a real job and a fancy apartment and I could have equal parts Ben, friends, and family.
"You got a piece of me, and honestly...
My life, would suck, without you...."

January 7

My car is broken. Poor Tessa. The front bumper is cracked and hanging down and I have it tied to my licence place ghetto style....oh and my front grill and fog lights are in my trunk. Seriously, I did not hit anything, just all of a sudden its cracked and hanging. OMG. And Ben's car is not running, its in Mason City getting fixed and my car is going to take at least two days of being in the body shop, thats once they get the parts. So I currently have an $800+ bill staring me in the face and I'm thinking its just one thing after another this year! I am living on broke street. I need/want a 'real' job. I am tired of being poor, which I never have been ever in my life. BTW I discovered my car was broken on the way up to Mason City to Ben's cousin's funeral....so its been a special past few days. I did go to the gym today and worked out really hard so that makes me feel good. Still on my way to that 20lbs!

January 5

I just spent an entire day in Des Moines and feel very happy, for the most part. I spent the afternoon with Andrew and Kathryn and honestly if I told you what we did, it would sound boring but I had a blast. And then I went to Francies, a local bar/grill by my house, had a couple margaritas with work friends from Robins then went to our work meeting. Of course we talked about how it would just be a bitch-fest and we'd all get chewed out, but after that meeting I cannot tell you how much I want to just quit my job in Ames and go back to RWOG. UGH! I just want to help and make things better and show them how its done and be back with my friends and familairity! I was actually used as an example of how to do something right and its been so long since that was the case! In Ames all I get is lectures on how to push tables together and how to get the floor clean! Makes me want to start a small fire in the trash can of the bathroom and lock the door as I leave. LoL, that one is from Alice. But seriously, I miss Des Moines and thats the moral of this post. Ben is worth the move to Ames, I'm not contesting that. I am glad we live together and Ames is a decent little town. But I miss my city. I miss Janie, I miss Nicole, I miss Kelly, I miss my family and Kathryn and everything familiar. Sigh. Thats all I have to say

January 4 2009

I feel discouraged right now. I dont really know why. Well, I kind of do. I got a call from Maudes asking if I could work tomorrow. NO, I really DONT want to. It would ruin my entire day which I had planned on hangning out with people in Des Moines. Even if I dont work, I need to ask for Tuesday off to go the Ben's cousin's funeral....so now I feel weird saying I cant work, but oh by the way can I not come in on Tuesday. UGH. Its really not a big deal but I'm making it a big deal in my head. Also I feel lazy and gross cause I've worked all weekend and I feel gross and greasy and I havent been to they gym or tannery so thats contributing to myself feeling gross, and I dont feel like I have time to do both of them but I should. Here's hoping this feeling of discouragement passes.

January 2, 2009

I slept way longer than I intended to. The plan was to get up and go down to Des Moines and hang out with either Kelly or Andrew/Kathryn. I bummed around a bit and by the time I was ready to go, I decided to stay in Ames with Ben because he was feeling down. He's not the kind of person who would tell me to stay with him, but I knew I wouldnt want to be alone if I were him so I stayed. I little while later, he got a text from his mom saying that his cousin had died. I held him on the couch for awhile while he took it all in. I felt bad actually because while I was sitting there, first I prayed for Audrey, Ben, Ben's Aunt and Audrey's son Wade....but after that I started watching TV and a commercial came on for the Rock of Love reunion and I gasped.......well it probably seemed to him like I wasnt paying attention to him or that I was watching TV while he was feeling emotional.......but I really was focusing on him.....I just got distracted for a minute. But then he decided he needed to go up to Mason and I had to get to work so I got my things, said goodbye and headed down to Des Moines. When something serious happens or I am feeling a certain way, I have to reflect that in my music. I would normally have listened to something dancy or the Pussycat Dolls or somethign, but I kept my musical selection on the drive home very hopeful and low key. I listened to some Superchik and prayed for Ben's family again. By the time I got home, I didnt have much time before I had to get ready for work. So I got ready and headed to RWOG. Let me just say that I cannot quite explain why I am so connected to that place. But I am, and I cant help it. Being there on a Friday night just feels right. The customers I have waited on for the past 6 years, my fellow servers and kitchen staff. I felt SOOOO welcomed and the greeting after greeting of "I missed you! glad you're here, where have you been".........it makes me feel good. And on top of that I found out that Sunday I will be training someone again just made my night! Robin came up to me and said that the past few people just havent been getting it so she wanted me to train the next person........sigh.......I miss feeling important! So I'm happy that even after being away for the past four months I can still come back. honestly I go back half for extra money, half for the people. I also found out Stacey and Jen N are having a co-bday dinner/party/gathering and I am so excited! Monday the 26th I think? anyways I'll be there! So when all was said and done with the night, I got to see my friends, old customers, feel good/important, and make $120........good night. Now I am home, wishing Ben was here.......I dont really wish I was up there, cause I would feel awkward, but I want him to be with his family......but I want to comfort him at the same time.......but cant do that. I'm really not looking forward to driving up to Ames tomorrow and workign at Maudes....yuck. Hopefully I'll get off early!, but probably not. Sigh. I do need to go to the gym tomorrow though, keep on working towards that 20lbs! As I lay down to sleep tonight I am singing "Breathe" by Superchik.........its sung in an eery/sweet harmony.....over and over "so keep breathing.........go on breathe in.......keep on breathing...........just breathe"

The first day of the New Year

So this is the first day of 2009 and it promises to be quite the year for me. If 2008 was the introduction to the next chapter in my life, 2009 will be the first page. I began this first day by gettting ready to go into Maudes to 'undecorate', meaning take all the Christmas stuff around the restaurant down. By the way I only left the restaurant about ten hours previous so I was less than enthused to be returning. Though New Years eve night ended up being worth the tie and being away from the fun, I made $265 so that was happy. So I went to the 'undecorating' and was happy to see some people so we chatted. Decorating went fast and then we did a white elephant gift exchange. I ended up with "The Family Stone" DVD and some ginerbread bath soap and lotion, less than great. I mostly just hung out with Haley and Sarah. Haley is becoming my favorite person to work with. We can talk about work, or things outside work, and she never annoys me or upsets me and I think she's just a genuinely nice person. When I got home from decorating I was happy to see Ben had taken down all the Christmas decorations around our room and was almost ready to head to Des Moines which made me happy. We decided to spend the day there to do some laundry at my parents house since our washer is broken and just do whatever with my family. We got there and my grandma was there too. I love my grandma so much, but I feel guilty that I dont keep in good contact with her, and she always gives me a hard time for it. Another thing is that I know she does not approve of my 'lifestyle' as some call it. Though she was outwardly kind and welcoming to Ben tonight so that made me feel good. My grandma is one of the most selfless and generous and caring people I have ever known. Somehow by her not approving of something about me, makes me feel odd......like who wants to dissapoint their grandma? so I'm still working that one out. after dinner was a game of Uno Attack with Ben, my mom, brothers and Kathryn which was fun. I always have fun with my brothers and mom and kathryn or any combination of them and I think Ben geniunely does too which makes me feel good. I'm now ending my day with reflection of the day, and thoughts of tomorrow. I am glad that I got to spend the day with family and Ben in DSM and I am SO excited to work in Des Moines tomorrow night. I had the whole day off from Maudes so I picked up a shift at RWOG. I miss them so much and honestly it helps my ego and self-esteem to be in a familiar environment where I feel needed, important, and that I am looked to for help. It should be a good time and hopefully I can make some money. My current music for the day....and probably will be tomorrow is a new song from the Pussycat Dolls. Its the theme song to the new MTV show "the City". The song is called "on top of the world' and it talks about taking on a new city and making it your new home basicly.....it makes me think of moving to California and makes me excited!